Andreas from Munich
A: You look like a Volkswagen kind of guy. Andreas: Yah… I know…right?
Andy from Seattle
My comedy is a mix of hipster with neo-postmodern liberalism. If you don’t know who Ari Shapiro is, I can’t help you. If you don’t know what NPR stands for, you can’t help yourself.
I was a political science major in college. If you don’t know who foucalt, then foucalt. I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.
I saw a guy wearing a Duke baseball cap and a Chapel Hill T shirt. I asked him what team he supports, to which he replied East Carolina. So…my next questiom is…what are you doing in Whole Foods?
So…How do I look? I swear…you guys are like my most handsome audience, and I’m not just saying that just cuzz. (Doing standup)
You need a hot one I got one now take it and bend it
Shake it down, break it down, with me and a friend
Biggity bounce, slide, ride, Work that thing to the right
Push it down, push it up – boom, you dynamite
Lick it up like ice cream, homie you know it
It make me bow bow bow bow (Rocky Balboa)
See I lovin it when you snackin, baby just don’t stop
You could wobledee wobledee (drop drop it like it’s hot)
Beat it up and eat it up, love that’s yo meal
And if it ain’t from the ghetto, then ain’t no deal,
Ketchup, mustard, relish, be my guest.
Nothing compares to Chicago’s Best!
(A-What you need boy?) I need a hot dog
(A-What you want boy?) I want a hot dog
Andrew from London
My bad habit is running. If someone asks me to do something I don’t want, I tell them sorry, I’ve got to run.
The first time I messed my dating life, I was 19. The movie was called “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,”and I saw Jessica Rabbit. From that point I thought that if a rabbit could get Jessica, I didn’t have to try very hard either.
I don’t watch porn or masturbate. There is no need. I go to grocery stores and look for cute cashiers. I pay attention to the movement of their lips and twinkle in their eyes. When they ask me if I found everything alright, I say hold on and close my eyes. As I feel a certain moist wetness in my underwear, I reply, now I did. They invite me to come again next time, to which I reply, I definitely will.
The truth is simple. Once you’ve screwed yourself up, why screw yourself up again even more? Most do not try to unscrew, they screw even tighter until they are screwed up for life.
Dre from Chicago
Yo, it goes 1 for the Snickers, 2 for the Twix, 3 muskateers, 4 trail mix, 5 for the Hershey, 6 for kit kat, 7 for the skittles, and at 8 you are FAT!!
Yo VIP, let’s kick it. Aight stop, collaborate and listen. Dre is back with my brand new invention. Something, grabs a hold of me tightly, playing PING PONG daily and nightly. Will it ever stop? Yo, I dunno. Turn of the lightz, and I glow. To the xtreme, I rock my racket like a vandal, lite up the table and burn the chump like a candle!!
His pants are baggy. His stomach, arms are flabby. There are brown spots on his underwear already. When he sat down, the noise he caused was so loud, you cant open your mouth. Time’s up, plough! Snap back to reality, ooh there goes gravity, oohh there he goes, and back to the pants again, this moment, you own it, you gonna never let it go, no! Would you capture it or let it slip?!
My cat, big and black. Your cat, small and whack. My cat, need no introductions. Yo cat, don’t even function. My cat, VIP, yo cat, need ID.
Andy from Miami
As you can tell, I have a face and physique that is just made for online dating…When I joined OKCupid I was flooded with messages from scantily clad women asking me to click on a link. I even had a long conversation with one asking her how could I tell she is for real. Her last reply was that she was nude, to which I replied so am I, but I am not asking you ro click on a link.
Andrew from London
Girls on match.com only care about whether you are over 6 feet tall, you love the beach, and you love to “have fun.” That’s it. Girls on christianmingle, are born again Christians who love the beach and want you to be over 6 feet tall, and have “Christian fun.”
Every profile on Plenty of Fish says they are not there for a hook up. One question. Why did you sign up for a web site called Plenty of Fish?
Andre from Paris
I went to a speed dating event, and I met a cute girl. I told her that I am from in France, and my English is not very good. (Fake French Accent) She said me too, and I said, SHIT! (no accent)