Andrew grew up in a dreary town in northern England called Bradford. He doesn’t have any recollection of his family since he was left on the doorstep of an orphanage, when he was just a baby. At the age of three, he was adopted by his foster parents. His dad, Fredrick (Fred), was considerably older than his mother. Fred was polite, friendly, and conservative. He idolized Professor Higgins from “My Fair Lady.” His favorite phrase was: “Children should be seen, but not heard.” Fred desperately tried to speak English with a British accent. This was difficult for him to do since he was originally from Toronto, Canada. His mother, Stephen (Steve) always insisted that Andrew call him “mum.” Fred called Steve his “blonde bimbo,” and he demanded that their home looked spotless every day. Unlike Fred, Steve was dumb, ignorant, and submissive.
Despite, his short-comings, Steve also had some qualities that Fred admired about him besides the fact that he was relatively younger. Steve was rather detail oriented, and he was very good at doing chores and delegating tasks to other people, including Andrew. Quite often, Steve would lose his temper. His biggest pet peeve was when Andrew folded his shirts the wrong way when he was doing laundry. At that point, Steve would yell at Andrew to “quit being such a bloody cocksucker” and do a good “bob a job.” He never got tired of showing Andrew or anyone else how to do the laundry, step by step, the proper way. Besides laundry, Steve enjoyed folding napkins, bedsheets, tablecloths, and anything else that he could possibly fold.
With the exception of folding things, Andrew never really learned anything from Fred or Steve. While there were many things Andrew hated about them, the biggest was that they were both incredibly cheap. They even collected copies of all their grocery receipts, and they made Andrew count how much money was spent on groceries every month since they were too lazy to do it themselves. Andrew always ate the cheapest food, and he wore second-hand clothes. Sometimes, Steve and Fred went on “family vacations”, but they never even considered taking Andrew with them. Andrew was left home alone, where he watched TV and played video games after all his chores were done. The only gift Andrew ever received for Christmas was a Sega Genesis video game system. They gave it to him with one purpose: to keep him out of the way. Neither Steve nor Fred had any real hobbies or interests, except trying to look good in front of other people. They both desperately tried to impress everyone by doing whatever they could to look like they were better off than they were. Despite being really greedy and cheap towards towards Andrew, they wanted the best for themselves. They lived in the best house they could possibly afford, drove flashy cars, owned a boat, and wore expensive suits to the office.
Andrew always knew that they adopted him just so they can take a picture of him and show it off to everyone at the office. Steve was a petty paper-pusher, and a documentation supervisor. Fred was a sales manager. They both worked for a British subsidiary of a Chinese company. They even bought a little Pekingese dog named “Amber” to woo their Chinese clients and show them how much they loved China. When it came time for Christmas, Fred put Steven in charge with the task of decorating the house and making the Christmas turkey for the guests. Typically, the guests would be Steve’s parents and his brother David with his wife Elaina, who lived a few blocks down the street. Sometimes, Steve invited his so-called best friend “Kenny.” Andrew found it hilarious to look how Kenny and his wife Tammy were trying to hide their obvious disgust for Steve and his family. Sadly, they were the only Chinese people in town, and they had nowhere else to go on Christmas Day in Bradford, England. Everything else was closed. Steve was really good at ignoring Kenny’s phlegmatic “enthusiasm.” He also ignored his brother David whenever he called Steve an arse bandit, cock jockey, and flamer. David repeatedly punched Steve, and he made fun of Andrew for being an orphan that “no one gives a rat’s ass about.” After work, Steve and Fred liked to frequent a local pub called “The Jolly Geezer” where they drank beer and had a jolly good time with some “really good looking chaps.”
Andrew endured through years of what he calls servitude and abuse in a “suburban prison” in Bradford. Since he left home, he had never gone back to Bradford or talked to his “family.” After graduating from high school, he entered the University of Cambridge, where he studied finance and economics. With some effort, he graduated with a Masters in Finance. He was able to continue his studies, and he earned an MBA from a prestigious British institution of higher learning. Now, Andrew lives in London. He likes to brag that initially, he lived on the “dodgy end of Wandworth street,” which was not “his cup of tea.” Ever since he started working and making more money, he moved to an “embarrassingly big” flat in the more cosmopolitan Notting Hill. His three passions are structured finance, development in third world countries, and financial literacy throughout the world.
He takes great pride in his English ancestry. He believes that England is the birthplace of Western civilization and democracy. On the other hand, he likes to talk how most Brits are ignorant, racist, spiteful, sadistic, perverted, devious, and dumb creatures who look and behave like goblins, imps, trolls, dwarfs, hobbits, elves, witches, or fairies. According to Andrew, these people know very little about the world around them except their so-called middle-class jobs and how their favorite football (soccer) team is doing this year. Andrew will admit that he himself, resembles a slightly chubby, but rather benevolent and somewhat handsome hobbit who loves to follow Premier League Football.
He always pulls for the underdog, and his favorite team is the Swansea City Association Football Club (AFC). Andrew thinks they are “are absolutely brilliant.” It’s only a matter of time until they obliterate the pompous and arrogant, yet well-paid pricks who play for Arsenal, Manchester United, and Chelsea. He also supports Swansea because he “is absolutely enamored” with the beautiful Welsh coast, and he hopes to meet a lovely Welsh girl who looks just like Catherine Zeta Jones before she married Michael Douglas.
Catherine Zeta Jones